One Moment Please! Got kids? You can help then....

"How many Kids do you have?" - "Don't be so precious petal".

Tigger has many children here - different Mums obviously!

So the comment, "How many kids do you have?" was uttered by National Party Member of Parliament Maggie Barry recently, when Labour MP Jacinda Ardern was debating the issue of extending paid parental leave with her in parliament. It is a hot issue when touched upon, as the issue of paid parental leave affects many productive working families in New Zealand. However, the debate took a somewhat catty turn, when Barry attempted to use Ardern's childless status against her.  It is true, Ardern is childless, and interestingly enough, Barry has an Only Child.

Now, this comment and the implication of the comment - that if one does not have children, one is not qualified to comment on issues pertaining to children - caused a slight wave of offense among liberals and women who have reached a certain age, and have remained childless.

And it got me to thinking about Barry, and her comments... 

As parents, we all know that feeling when you suddenly realize that you had no idea what parenting was going to be like - until you had kids (or as my friend likes to say, "before it's too late!"). It's that realization that you were living an illusion of life, an illusion of life without responsibilities, a life with sleep ins, a life with spontaneity and frivolity, and a life of hand-them-back relative's kids. Such that, if you come to this realization, you realize you knew nothing about children and their care and maintenance - until you had them!

Before you had kids, there was no chalk on the concrete!

Before you had kids, you had no idea the guilt you would feel of being in the same house with them and not playing with them, not being engaged for every thrilling step of the block tower, or every funny part of The Lion King. Before you had kids, you didn't realize the worry and angst you would experience when the little one has a fever above 38 degrees. 

Having children is a completely new experience that studying four years at University could never prepare you for.

Then, I purvey the comments of 'mediaticians' and political analysts who berated Barry for her comments: "So does that mean only lawyers can comment in the house on legal issues, and only MPs who have a degree in Veterinary science can comment on animal health issues?". And I see the point these analysts and commentators are trying to make - but I don't think animal health issues are comparable to raising children.

You see, and it is an unfashionable view I know (Hey, I'm a progressive conservative and I have a degree in politics - being out of fashion is no problem to me), but I absolutely agree with Barry. I don't like people on the street  or relatives giving me advice about kids, when they have none of their own. I can understand childless individuals sharing their ideas on parenting and how they would raise them if they had children - but until they reproduce, it is only an idea - and an untested one at that.

Jacinda Ardern - Maggie Barry

Children are an absolute labor of love, emotion, work, pain, happiness, money, spirituality... and the list goes on. Whilst we elect politicians to make decisions for us in our 'best interests', when it comes to family policy, I would expect a fair few people in the policy process to have had children. Otherwise, as Barry stated, our policy makers are drawing conclusions solely from text books. And we don't want that. Do we?

I Want That One! A book for Dads that is Dad-friendly!

A book destined to be stained with coffee

I've always looked at books for Dads as being slightly weird. I'm not sure why I would think that, but there has always been something cringe worthy about them. The idea of turning Dad in to 'Mr Perfect Father' has always seemed unrealistic to me. Dads are Dads - bumbling, fun, sometimes grumpy, sometimes the fumbling fool - but generally the treasured relief from 'Mother Dearest'. 

So nice then to see a refreshing and realistic book come out from Ian Grant. If you are in New Zealand you will know of Grant as a parenting expert who can often be heard on varying radio stations in New Zealand - or running The Parenting Place. If you are from outside New Zealand then you will still appreciate the wisdom communicated through this book.

Fathers who dare win is a very palatable book - easy to read, without the dumming down of many of it's contemporaries. And also, in my opinion, without the liberal attitude to kids these days - you know how it goes, 'little _____ (insert child's name) doesn't like homework, so we don't do it' - you know, without that nonsense.

There are chapters on relevant issues like character building, getting to know a new baby, how to help your children understand anger, and growing happy children. As the Mother of a six year old Only Child (a girl) I am really starting to notice how much influence her Father's action or inaction can have on her. For this reason I really tested this book against some situations we have faced recently - and the advice given by Grant was and is incredibly helpful, but more than that, the advice helped to give us some clarity. After all, your Only Child is your first child! It's a total learning experience!

Importantly, I found this book to echo some good old fashioned 'common sense' that we seem to have lost while we have been surfing Facebook and checking our iphones.... And yes, I know that common sense means different things to different parenting philosophies and cultures, but there are some things that don't go out of fashion - no matter where you are, and what you do. 

Read the words: BE CLEAR ABOUT DISCIPLINE!

The book Fathers who dare win reminds me of the roles we play in our childrens' lives, and how that can affect their character as they grow in to young adults.

A great read!

Check out Fathers who dare win

I want That One! Pre-teens and teens drop that i-stuff now!

We all love i-stuff, but nothing beats a good old book (right?)

Red Rocks by Rachael King - a good New Zealand book

I just love my little occasional Random house packages. You never know what you're going to get!

Recently I received a book 'Red Rocks' by Rachael King for review. I sat down and read it and was thoroughly convinced that New Zealand's next generation of readers are well served. Red Rocks reminds me of other eerie books by another famous New Zealand author Maurice Gee. These types of books seem to blend the familiar with the unknown - which is something we all crave for really. We all know the saying, 'familiarity breeds contempt'.

Red Rocks revolves around an adventurous character called Jake, who one day walking along a Wellington beach stumbles upon an old intact seal skin - and the story branches out from there. It is really quite clever, as I still to this day (as an adult) will walk along a wild beach and think about finding weird and wonderful things on the sand. One day three years ago I found an intact puffer fish - but that's another story!

King has written a beautiful but eerie story, that my six year old Only Child will enjoy one day when she can read. I think the book is written for 10 years of age and onward.

The terrible thing that happened to Barnaby Brocket!

The Terrible Thing That Happened To Barnaby Brocket by John Boyne

And then, I get this little gem of a book - which I absolutely love. It is a whimsical story written by Irish author John Boyne, and follows the character of Barnaby Brocket and his abnormal behavior.

You see, Barnaby has very conservative parents, they don't like too much attention on their children or themselves. And they don't like loud noises too. Or anyone who doesn't think or act like them for that matter.... I'm sure we all know parents like this at school or in the neighborhood.

The story sees Barnaby go on a great global adventure with many twists and turns. Random House describes the story as having many "Dahl-esque characters" - so you know it's good! Again, it is aimed at children who can read - so about 10 years old and onward.

One more thing, the book features brilliant comic illustrations by Oliver Jeffers, and they make for a brilliant artistic interlude whilst reading the fine print.

The book is a great reminder to not take oneself so seriously. And for that reason alone, we should all have a peek inside!

On those days when you hated school, did you ever wish for this?

Thanks for the copies Random House!

One Moment Please! What's for Homework today?

Are you an 'every night' parent or an 'if I've got the time' parent???

On this occasion 100% was attained

"I'm going to talk to the Teacher, I don't understand why she is behind!?" - this was a very indignant upset parent talking to me about her lovely daughter. This upset parent talked to me for about fifteen minutes whilst we were waiting for our kids - who are in the same class. I asked the upset one what their homework routine was... "Oh we don't have a routine as such, we do it when we have the time. It's not a big deal to us." 'Oh really?', I thought to myself.....

Not a big deal? Homework? Since when exactly? Since the invention of the iPhone? Since the invention of Digital Television? Since games on the iPad took precedence???? When!?

It's my personal belief that homework is essential to cementing and furthering the knowledge learned in the classroom - no matter what it is. It's important to know what your child is learning, so you can adapt and respond to their learning environment. For example, my Only Child's class were studying astronomy - now they are six years old, so they weren't doing physics equations just yet.... but it was important to know, so that we could chat to her at home about the universe, and planets, and how I hoped she would be an Astronaut one day... hey, homework's a good time for lots of things!

Random Amethyst next to spelling... we like it like that.

Homework is a time to help and support your child through what can be a pretty grueling place at times - Primary School, and then High School.... Homework can be fun, and it can be surprisingly peaceful. Of course, on trying days, it is hard work - and there is no immediate 'payment' for a parent's work when it comes to homework - except the knowledge of time and love you have invested in your child. 

But back to the upset parent... I let the upset one know that my Only Child at times has struggled, but that is when homework is most essential! That is the time where Mum and Dad must pull together to push through the tough times with their child. For example, my Only Child was having trouble at some point with a certain reading level - she just wasn't pushing through. I noticed a lack of effort and enthusiasm for reading, and I didn't like it - that's not acceptable in our house. If you must fail, you fail trying, not by quitting. 

But you see, what I had also noticed was that I had become a little lax with our homework routine. I am an 'every night' at 4.15pm type of Mum, but I had become a little lax on that routine. So! Mum and Dad both put our blinkers back on and focused on our homework routine again, and after a couple of weeks.... voila! The Only Child had pushed through her reading levels, to the point where she is reading beyond expectation.

Homework could be... fun photography!

Some kids just need that extra educational 'kick' from their parents - my Only Child certainly does. Some children don't. But, if you are a parent of a child who does need the extra kick, then homework should be an 'every night' thing - no excuses. I don't care who you are or what you do, your child's educational chances should be supported whatever way you can. Homework is a very simple way of giving your child a helping hand, and it doesn't cost anything except your time.

I could get very political with the whole Liberal Parenting v Conservative Parenting debate... and how that relates to homework, but I will spare readers! 

Homework is a big deal. Full stop.

I Want That One! Every Child has got to have a PILLOW PET!

Be prepared to love Pillow Pets...

We had seen other pillow-type toys before, and within 48hours of purchasing them, they were already destined for the 'charity pile' - that is, the pile of toys and clothes in my house that have been less than pleasing purchases!

Well, we have stumbled upon the bestest cutest pillow pet toy I have ever seen. In fact, they are called Pillow Pets! 

Pyjamas: check. Pillow Pet: check.

My daughter found the new pillow pet - a ladybird looking pillow with a head - before I was ready to give it to her. While I was reading a posh current affairs magazine trying to be knowledgeable, my Only Child came bounding down the hallway screaming at the top of her lungs, "IS THIS FOR ME? IS THIS FOR ME?". I replied calmly, "yes".

My Only Child was in love with it already. Kids just seem to know whey a toy is good. And they always seem to know how to use it, before Mum and Dad do.

In a second, you can fold the pillow pet, and it stands up!

"Look Mum, it can be a pillow and a pet!". And she took the velcro tab on one end of the toy and attached it to the other side. My Only Child started demonstrating all the things she could use her pillow pet for... at some point during the afternoon I saw it being bounced up and down on the trampoline, then just before dinner it was being cradled at the 'children's hospital'.

The Pillow Pet is so soft, and so cute! Surprisingly cute! I even wrote on my personal facebook account that a certain pregnant family member had to cuddle up with a couple of these. They have a comforting effect it seems.

Going to bed is easier with a Pillow Pet!

Pillow Pets would be good for all age Only Children - and their parents! The pillow has just the right amount of cushion to make children feel like they are really cuddling and playing with something. And the velcro tab that allows the pillow pet to fold up in to a freestanding 'pet' is fantastic.

I knew we were on to a good thing when come bed time, my Only Child threw her usual strawberry pillowcased pillow off the bed, and announced, "You and Daddy can have my old pillow now - I'm sleeping on my pillow pet everynight!". 

And that is just what she has done every night since we got it.

Pillow Pets are a worthy investment for your Only Child, or any child who thinks they have everything already. 

Buy your Pillow Pet Now!

Pillow Pets Official Home Page

One Moment Please! How Often Do You Play With Your Only Child?

An Only Child with a Disneyland Fairy Godmother...

"Oh how utterly ridiculous!" - this was the response I got when I put to my interviewee that as Mothers and Fathers of Only Children we have a responsibility to play with our children more than other parents do with their many children. "That kind of nanny state logic is what ruins families and countries", she said.

My interviewee for this blog piece is a 51 year old respected lawyer, active gym goer, School PTA member, and she happens to be the Mother of an Only Child. She also doesn't mince words. A good friend of mine suggested I speak to her about having an Only Child - so I did.

I told her about a conversation I had a couple of weeks ago, with a few friends over lunch, about how much actual 'play time' they did with their children - there was no average time decided upon, but a strange belief seemed to emanate from the meeting; The belief that if your child has siblings, that you as a parent do not have to play as much, and further, if you don't play at all with your child (who has siblings) - it doesn't matter.

"Oh please! That is so pathetic, so the time a parent plays with their child is proportional to how many siblings a child has? In my opinion, all parents should spend time with their children - whether it's playing, doing homework, or reading a book before bed. I think I played cars and trains with my son when he was little a couple of times at the most, but I spent lots of time just being with him."

Play with me Mummy!

It's an interesting topic to broach with people. Ask a few mothers how much time they spend 'playing' with their children, and you get responses and defenses and justifications and qualifications... I have often heard the opinion that Mothers of Only Children who spend a lot of time playing with their Only Child inhibit the child's ability to play with their peers. And I must admit, I have seen this perspective in practice, personally.

As a parent playing with a child, you tend to let them win from time to time, let them get away with taking the biggest and best play pieces, or you pander to their ego. I remember the first couple of play dates my Only Child had with friends were happy disasters! Happy: because she had a playmate. Disaster: because she didn't know how to interact with a peer harmoniously... her play mate didn't like not EVER having a turn at whatever they were doing...

"I was one of five children growing up, and I cannot remember my Mother and Father playing with my siblings and I at all. I don't believe this was because they thought they 'don't have to', this was because my Mother was busy cooking all the time, or cleaning, or doing the things that stay-at-home mums do. Dealing with the practicality of life. Truth be told - everyone of my siblings and I all wish our parents had spent more time with us. And, I know my Mother feels guilty about it to this day. People need to be careful about drawing conclusions based on family size - quite often the opposite can be true."

However, as a parent (stay-at-home or working) you cannot be playing all the time, and you cannot always be fully engaged in the moment with your child. So, as the Mother of an Only Child I do think sometimes that in these very tired exhausted Mum 'moments' how lovely and relaxing it would be if there was a sibling to play in the pretend cafe or supermarket instead of me. I could play less. 

PLAY WITH ME MUMMY!

"Of course as parents of Only Children we think that, but there is no real benefit in thinking that we have to play more with our Only Child because we chose for whatever reason to have one. Just like there is no logical reason to think because you have four children that you don't need to play with them. From all my years in family law, I truly believe more needs to be said about parents being emotionally available to their children - I couldn't care less how often a parent plays with their child, I care more about how emotionally switched on they are to their child."

And I guess if we are switched on emotionally to our child, we will know just how much Mummy-Child playtime is needed, and just how much sibling-child or playmate-child time is needed. And I think instinctively as switched on Mothers, we know these ratios. The key is to remaining 'switched on' and minimizing those factors in life that cause us to be 'switched off'. Actually, what are those factors???

"In my opinion, the factors that cause parents to be switched off will be different for everyone - for some it might be money problems, work issues, mental health issues, and for a large majority it seems, marriage problems. Whatever it is, you will know it."

I know for me personally, it is work-life balance, and getting it right. What is it for you?

I want that One! Bear Grylls new book!!!

Mud, Sweat and Tears

A great read for fans!

When Bear Grylls' new book arrived in the post - a few kids who were over for a play-date with my Only Child ran over and yelled, "It's Bear. It's Bear!".... after looking through the pages the six and seven year olds realized that every page wasn't a picture, and then subsequently carried on with their games outside.

Bear Grylls - adventuring star of The Discovery Channel's Man Vs Wild series - has written a great book about his childhood and his subsequent progress to global survival stardom! 

Easy to read!

There are so many anecdotes and stories Grylls shares with his readers - from girls, to high school, to meeting his wife. But what we found the most interesting was his chapters on his SAS trials and tribulations. This is definitely a book for a Bear Grylls fan - who is at least 12 years old. 

There are a good amount of pictures in it - some great ones of Bear when he was a young lad. Who knew he went to Eton??? 

What was most curious and fantastic is that Bear 'saved' his sister Lara from a life of Only Childom... His sister Lara recounts how lonely she was growing up as the Only Child, and how she had complained to her Mum and Dad that she was lonely... 

I really do recommend this book to Bear Grylls fans, and to all those young teen kids who are inspired by the outdoors and exploration. Grylls teaches kids to stand up for their beliefs and to keep going!

What an inspiring guy!

Check out Bear Grylls website

One Moment Please! How much help do you have?

Nanny? Cleaner? Tutor? Babysitter? ?????? Personal Trainer?

A lamb roast with bacon, carrots, onions, garlic, and potatoes by me! (not my housekeeper!)

So, I was dutifully watching the Only Child's piano lesson with a few other parents and their children, when one of my daughter's class mates arrived late. The latecomer is an Only Child and is a happy lovely girl, and this day  in particular I noticed that her Mother was not with her, but another person was - "this is my nanny Julia", said the latecomer. The nanny apologized for their lateness, then sat down next to me.

I had an interesting conversation with the latecomer's nanny - the type of conversation that the latecomer's Mother would never have with me. The nanny asked me, "how much help do you have with your child?". I thought about it... not a lot!

I have a personal trainer for myself during the week - but do I have an individual to specifically help me with my child - no. Oh, I guess there's the Only Child's Dad - but we all know how much 'help' Dads are.... (joking Dads!).

The housekeeper can wipe these down...

Apparently the young latecomer's Mother had a nanny, house keeper three times a week, and a tutor come in for one hour Monday to Friday to help with the child's homework! Now, I can absolutely see how a Mum would need this help, but I thought it was curious that with an Only Child the Mother thought she needed that much help... And so did the Nanny funnily enough. Even more curious to me, was the fact that the Mother didn't work full-time or part-time - so her commitments to a boss were zero, and thus her time should be free for her child?

"It's a little bit over-kill if you ask me", said the Nanny. I affirmed that thought, but stated that different parents may need more or less help over the years, and who are we to judge etc. "Well, she doesn't need the help, she just doesn't enjoy the child-rearing", said the young German Nanny matter-of-factly. She continued, "I think some Mums just need to be honest with themselves, especially if they have had a child or children and they don't enjoy them". Oh my, the things this Nanny said!

I need a nanny!!!

I thought about it for a short time... Mums who don't enjoy their children need more help? Hmm. I employ a personal trainer at the gym I go to, because I need direction, and I like direction and guidance when I am working out. But in terms of enjoyment, it doesn't have an effect. 

So, having an Only Child, I would think I would need a lot of help if my time was consumed with work or detailed projects - but to have a lot of help when you don't do anything? If I couldn't be bothered with my Only Child at all, or the child-rearing got me down, I would definitely look at hiring help - be that a nanny, or a housekeeper.

But I guess at the end of the day, what a Mum and Dad does with their time is their business - and if they want to keep their time as efficient as possible, then long periods spent with a child does seem a 'drag'.... doesn't it? 

There are Mums and Dads with three, four, five children who don't hire any help - they cope as it is. However, just because they don't have help doesn't mean they don't need help! I'm sure we can all think of those big families where a few of the kids have obvious attention deficit issues!

I think when deciding to hire 'help', one needs to think about the pros and cons of how this 'help' will benefit your child, you, and all of you as a family unit. And be careful, I hear it's an expensive habit to break!