One Moment Please! Having One and Feeling Blue!

Having a baby doesn't always complete the dream 'dollhouse'.

New Zealand (NZ) - the country I live in - has appalling suicide rates for men, women, and our youth population. We have knowledgeable people suggesting solutions... and ways to measure outcomes etc But really, it's hard to know what to do, and when to do something?

I mean, when does one person's 'blue' mood turn in to a devastating dreadful situation? And I use the word 'blue', because when I had a baby, I used to hear my midwife talk about how a certain percentage of women will feel 'blue' after birth. My midwife called these, "the baby blues" - said with a soft tone, and a warm smile (followed by a sip of green tea).

I was not one of the many included in the "baby blues" percentage - however, I wasn't so lucky in the 'women whose epidural doesn't work' sweepstakes... it's a strange feeling when your epidural only works on  one half of your body; But that's another post!

And there you go - already in this post I have tried to change the subject lightheartedly. No one wants to talk about suicide directly and why someone does it?! I have Journalist friends who tell me about suicide stories they have wanted to print or screen - and they are not allowed to. These true stories could have been of immense benefit to people in similar situations of perceived hopelessness. Especially new mothers, and young mothers.

A stormy sea that keeps rolling in.

One story I heard was about a Mother in her late thirties. Successful. Bright. Intelligent. Property Owner. Husband. All the boxes representing 'success' were ticked. This was a planned pregnancy, and was a very happy time: until the baby was born. It was no secret in her family that she was finding things difficult, and a few family members rallied around to help with the night shift, and increasingly, the day shift. Her family (Husband, and extended family) knew she wasn't coping with the practicalities of a baby - but they had no idea about the mental anguish she was going through. Six months after the birth of her baby, this Mother sent her Husband a distressing email at his workplace during the day. He came home within an hour of receiving the email to find her dead.

My Journalist friend asked the bereaved Husband why he thought his wife committed suicide. One of the things he said was: "I see now that she felt like a continuing failure, and it makes me so angry, because people make out that staying at home with a baby is an easy thing; As if it is something she should of just 'known' - well she didn't know anything about it, and she felt lost. We read all the books, and did what every intelligent couple does... What loving Mother admits to people they don't know how to be a Mother?" 

Whenever I think about the complexity involved with having a child in these times, I always shut myself up by thinking, 'women have been mothering and having babies for hundreds of years - it's not hard'. But for some reason, today, it does seem to be harder? Yet, we have so many things that make it easier for us! We have sterilizers, monitors, pediatricians, child-care, nannies, google, and a "higher standard of living" than our predecessors... So, it does make me wonder, has our mental health not kept up? 

Our government seems to think so. The powers that be have pledged $60 million dollars to help improve the mental health of New Zealanders. They have said that a modernized way of dealing with mental health issues is needed - "e-therapy" in fact.

Remembering your happiness is so important!

The government's calls have been echoed by NZ doctors also - they have pleaded for more Government funding for the screening of post-natal depression among Mothers, with some doctors pointing to post-natal depression among mothers leading directly to mental health issues with their children as they grow. 

The incidence of postnatal depression in NZ is just under fourteen percent in the general population, but is at 22% among our Pasifika mothers. Our suicide rates for female and male youths are second only to Finland... So, the facts are grim.

I know there are some women who I have talked to who have said they chose to have an Only Child because of their experience of child birth and the 'aftermath' - "having another one would have only caused more problems". Good on you - if you are one of these women. I hope the government initiatives will encourage young mothers and new mothers to really think about themselves, and their self-awareness. Too often, other circumstances (including family expectations) take our minds and hearts away from what really matters, and what really makes us happy. 

If you are feeling 'blue' - don't listen to me, listen to these people:

Lifeline NZ

Depression helpline

White Wreath