One Moment Please! How Often Do You Play With Your Only Child?

An Only Child with a Disneyland Fairy Godmother...

"Oh how utterly ridiculous!" - this was the response I got when I put to my interviewee that as Mothers and Fathers of Only Children we have a responsibility to play with our children more than other parents do with their many children. "That kind of nanny state logic is what ruins families and countries", she said.

My interviewee for this blog piece is a 51 year old respected lawyer, active gym goer, School PTA member, and she happens to be the Mother of an Only Child. She also doesn't mince words. A good friend of mine suggested I speak to her about having an Only Child - so I did.

I told her about a conversation I had a couple of weeks ago, with a few friends over lunch, about how much actual 'play time' they did with their children - there was no average time decided upon, but a strange belief seemed to emanate from the meeting; The belief that if your child has siblings, that you as a parent do not have to play as much, and further, if you don't play at all with your child (who has siblings) - it doesn't matter.

"Oh please! That is so pathetic, so the time a parent plays with their child is proportional to how many siblings a child has? In my opinion, all parents should spend time with their children - whether it's playing, doing homework, or reading a book before bed. I think I played cars and trains with my son when he was little a couple of times at the most, but I spent lots of time just being with him."

Play with me Mummy!

It's an interesting topic to broach with people. Ask a few mothers how much time they spend 'playing' with their children, and you get responses and defenses and justifications and qualifications... I have often heard the opinion that Mothers of Only Children who spend a lot of time playing with their Only Child inhibit the child's ability to play with their peers. And I must admit, I have seen this perspective in practice, personally.

As a parent playing with a child, you tend to let them win from time to time, let them get away with taking the biggest and best play pieces, or you pander to their ego. I remember the first couple of play dates my Only Child had with friends were happy disasters! Happy: because she had a playmate. Disaster: because she didn't know how to interact with a peer harmoniously... her play mate didn't like not EVER having a turn at whatever they were doing...

"I was one of five children growing up, and I cannot remember my Mother and Father playing with my siblings and I at all. I don't believe this was because they thought they 'don't have to', this was because my Mother was busy cooking all the time, or cleaning, or doing the things that stay-at-home mums do. Dealing with the practicality of life. Truth be told - everyone of my siblings and I all wish our parents had spent more time with us. And, I know my Mother feels guilty about it to this day. People need to be careful about drawing conclusions based on family size - quite often the opposite can be true."

However, as a parent (stay-at-home or working) you cannot be playing all the time, and you cannot always be fully engaged in the moment with your child. So, as the Mother of an Only Child I do think sometimes that in these very tired exhausted Mum 'moments' how lovely and relaxing it would be if there was a sibling to play in the pretend cafe or supermarket instead of me. I could play less. 

PLAY WITH ME MUMMY!

"Of course as parents of Only Children we think that, but there is no real benefit in thinking that we have to play more with our Only Child because we chose for whatever reason to have one. Just like there is no logical reason to think because you have four children that you don't need to play with them. From all my years in family law, I truly believe more needs to be said about parents being emotionally available to their children - I couldn't care less how often a parent plays with their child, I care more about how emotionally switched on they are to their child."

And I guess if we are switched on emotionally to our child, we will know just how much Mummy-Child playtime is needed, and just how much sibling-child or playmate-child time is needed. And I think instinctively as switched on Mothers, we know these ratios. The key is to remaining 'switched on' and minimizing those factors in life that cause us to be 'switched off'. Actually, what are those factors???

"In my opinion, the factors that cause parents to be switched off will be different for everyone - for some it might be money problems, work issues, mental health issues, and for a large majority it seems, marriage problems. Whatever it is, you will know it."

I know for me personally, it is work-life balance, and getting it right. What is it for you?

One Moment Please! How much help do you have?

Nanny? Cleaner? Tutor? Babysitter? ?????? Personal Trainer?

A lamb roast with bacon, carrots, onions, garlic, and potatoes by me! (not my housekeeper!)

So, I was dutifully watching the Only Child's piano lesson with a few other parents and their children, when one of my daughter's class mates arrived late. The latecomer is an Only Child and is a happy lovely girl, and this day  in particular I noticed that her Mother was not with her, but another person was - "this is my nanny Julia", said the latecomer. The nanny apologized for their lateness, then sat down next to me.

I had an interesting conversation with the latecomer's nanny - the type of conversation that the latecomer's Mother would never have with me. The nanny asked me, "how much help do you have with your child?". I thought about it... not a lot!

I have a personal trainer for myself during the week - but do I have an individual to specifically help me with my child - no. Oh, I guess there's the Only Child's Dad - but we all know how much 'help' Dads are.... (joking Dads!).

The housekeeper can wipe these down...

Apparently the young latecomer's Mother had a nanny, house keeper three times a week, and a tutor come in for one hour Monday to Friday to help with the child's homework! Now, I can absolutely see how a Mum would need this help, but I thought it was curious that with an Only Child the Mother thought she needed that much help... And so did the Nanny funnily enough. Even more curious to me, was the fact that the Mother didn't work full-time or part-time - so her commitments to a boss were zero, and thus her time should be free for her child?

"It's a little bit over-kill if you ask me", said the Nanny. I affirmed that thought, but stated that different parents may need more or less help over the years, and who are we to judge etc. "Well, she doesn't need the help, she just doesn't enjoy the child-rearing", said the young German Nanny matter-of-factly. She continued, "I think some Mums just need to be honest with themselves, especially if they have had a child or children and they don't enjoy them". Oh my, the things this Nanny said!

I need a nanny!!!

I thought about it for a short time... Mums who don't enjoy their children need more help? Hmm. I employ a personal trainer at the gym I go to, because I need direction, and I like direction and guidance when I am working out. But in terms of enjoyment, it doesn't have an effect. 

So, having an Only Child, I would think I would need a lot of help if my time was consumed with work or detailed projects - but to have a lot of help when you don't do anything? If I couldn't be bothered with my Only Child at all, or the child-rearing got me down, I would definitely look at hiring help - be that a nanny, or a housekeeper.

But I guess at the end of the day, what a Mum and Dad does with their time is their business - and if they want to keep their time as efficient as possible, then long periods spent with a child does seem a 'drag'.... doesn't it? 

There are Mums and Dads with three, four, five children who don't hire any help - they cope as it is. However, just because they don't have help doesn't mean they don't need help! I'm sure we can all think of those big families where a few of the kids have obvious attention deficit issues!

I think when deciding to hire 'help', one needs to think about the pros and cons of how this 'help' will benefit your child, you, and all of you as a family unit. And be careful, I hear it's an expensive habit to break!

One Moment Please! Are you an Over Protective Mum? OPM!

OPI is a nail polish, but OPM is an Over Protective Mum.

Hovering over the face painter's shoulder.. conviction check first of course...

So, the first time your child goes on school camp or to their first school dance alone, there will be some Mums who are fine with it, and look forward to a good break; And there will be some Mums who will want to know who's there, why, how, where, what, etc...

I am good friends with both kinds of Mums and Dads - and I personally am more 'over-protective Mum' than not. I like to know who's there, what age range, what kind of activities they might do - and I also like to know that I have the option of being there if I want to.

Well, what a surprise I got recently....

My lovely Only Child came home telling me about a wonderful dance that her school is having, and lo and behold - Mums are Dads are "preferabbly not to come". "Not to come?", I said to the indifferent receptionist at our school. "Yes, there will be some teachers and committee members there to look after them", the indifferent one replied.

Yes, we are prepared for any costume party... or dance for that matter.

Hmm. A school dance for 5-8 year olds and parents are encouraged not to attend? I had never heard of a school suggesting this before. Furthermore, a parent from my daughter's class reminded me that there are some five and six year olds who would be too scared to attend without their parents. 'Yes, yes indeed' I thought.

As a matter of fact, my Only Child would be fine with her Mum and Dad not attending - but still, there are a lot of parents who really get in to things like school dances, sport meets, school camps, day trips etc - parents like me! And if you have specifically decided to have just one child - then you are only doing this little kid thing once, best to make the most of it! 

But what annoyed me more, was the assumption that the committee members who were going to be present had the same morals or standards that I did, and I need not worry. I know for a fact that the way I raise my Only Child is unique to my way!

"But that's the thing, parents who are protective and skew towards 'over protective' have control issues", said my lovely lawyer (in one of our casual conversations). Hmm... control. Yes, I have heard of it, and yes, I do enjoy it profusely... "Look at it this way, what's so bad about the alternative of not having control?", said the 60 year old lawyer.

Not having control means trusting someone else with your child - and if you are in a similar situation to me, trusting someone else with your ONLY child. I don't do this lightly, nor do I think any parent should compromise their values and standards for any authority (within the realm of legality of course).

Are there going to be lots of lollies there? How will you know if you don't go?

So, if you are over-protective, be the parent you are, and let those around you know that you are okay with who you are.

So what to do about the dance where over-protective parents were shunned? I went anyway, and sat inconspicuously in the corner watching my Only Child enjoy one of her first dances. I have many special photos, and I can say I was fully present in the moment with her.

Any regrets? None at all.

Which is more than I can say for the un-protective parents who live to regret missing out on these special times with their children.

One Moment Please! Having One and Feeling Blue!

Having a baby doesn't always complete the dream 'dollhouse'.

New Zealand (NZ) - the country I live in - has appalling suicide rates for men, women, and our youth population. We have knowledgeable people suggesting solutions... and ways to measure outcomes etc But really, it's hard to know what to do, and when to do something?

I mean, when does one person's 'blue' mood turn in to a devastating dreadful situation? And I use the word 'blue', because when I had a baby, I used to hear my midwife talk about how a certain percentage of women will feel 'blue' after birth. My midwife called these, "the baby blues" - said with a soft tone, and a warm smile (followed by a sip of green tea).

I was not one of the many included in the "baby blues" percentage - however, I wasn't so lucky in the 'women whose epidural doesn't work' sweepstakes... it's a strange feeling when your epidural only works on  one half of your body; But that's another post!

And there you go - already in this post I have tried to change the subject lightheartedly. No one wants to talk about suicide directly and why someone does it?! I have Journalist friends who tell me about suicide stories they have wanted to print or screen - and they are not allowed to. These true stories could have been of immense benefit to people in similar situations of perceived hopelessness. Especially new mothers, and young mothers.

A stormy sea that keeps rolling in.

One story I heard was about a Mother in her late thirties. Successful. Bright. Intelligent. Property Owner. Husband. All the boxes representing 'success' were ticked. This was a planned pregnancy, and was a very happy time: until the baby was born. It was no secret in her family that she was finding things difficult, and a few family members rallied around to help with the night shift, and increasingly, the day shift. Her family (Husband, and extended family) knew she wasn't coping with the practicalities of a baby - but they had no idea about the mental anguish she was going through. Six months after the birth of her baby, this Mother sent her Husband a distressing email at his workplace during the day. He came home within an hour of receiving the email to find her dead.

My Journalist friend asked the bereaved Husband why he thought his wife committed suicide. One of the things he said was: "I see now that she felt like a continuing failure, and it makes me so angry, because people make out that staying at home with a baby is an easy thing; As if it is something she should of just 'known' - well she didn't know anything about it, and she felt lost. We read all the books, and did what every intelligent couple does... What loving Mother admits to people they don't know how to be a Mother?" 

Whenever I think about the complexity involved with having a child in these times, I always shut myself up by thinking, 'women have been mothering and having babies for hundreds of years - it's not hard'. But for some reason, today, it does seem to be harder? Yet, we have so many things that make it easier for us! We have sterilizers, monitors, pediatricians, child-care, nannies, google, and a "higher standard of living" than our predecessors... So, it does make me wonder, has our mental health not kept up? 

Our government seems to think so. The powers that be have pledged $60 million dollars to help improve the mental health of New Zealanders. They have said that a modernized way of dealing with mental health issues is needed - "e-therapy" in fact.

Remembering your happiness is so important!

The government's calls have been echoed by NZ doctors also - they have pleaded for more Government funding for the screening of post-natal depression among Mothers, with some doctors pointing to post-natal depression among mothers leading directly to mental health issues with their children as they grow. 

The incidence of postnatal depression in NZ is just under fourteen percent in the general population, but is at 22% among our Pasifika mothers. Our suicide rates for female and male youths are second only to Finland... So, the facts are grim.

I know there are some women who I have talked to who have said they chose to have an Only Child because of their experience of child birth and the 'aftermath' - "having another one would have only caused more problems". Good on you - if you are one of these women. I hope the government initiatives will encourage young mothers and new mothers to really think about themselves, and their self-awareness. Too often, other circumstances (including family expectations) take our minds and hearts away from what really matters, and what really makes us happy. 

If you are feeling 'blue' - don't listen to me, listen to these people:

Lifeline NZ

Depression helpline

White Wreath 

One Moment Please! Two Teenage Only Children talk!

Teen Chat With The Only Child

Looking at the world through a teenager's eyes...

The Only Child was lucky enough to have 15 minutes of two teenage Only Children's time (one girl and one boy). One of them is an Only Child with a single Mother, and one of them is an Only Child with Mum and Dad. Both teenagers go to an excellent High School - which has high academic selection criteria. So they are both pretty good at achieving great grades!

The point of our chat was to see a teenage perspective on being an Only Child, and how their personal life experience of being an Only has made them feel so far.

Their names have been changed to protect their 'coolness' - so we will call them Hansel and Gretel.

The Only Child: Hey Thanks Guys for this chat, so what has it been like being an Only Child?


Hansel: It's been good. I don't know life any other way really - it's always been Mum and me. It's been more lonely for my Mum I think, but otherwise, life's been pretty good for me! Best moment was receiving my car for my 16th birthday - that rocked!

Gretel: I always felt hard done by being an Only Child when I was younger. I used to look at my friend's Mums who would get pregnant, and I would think, 'why can't my Mum have another baby?'. I guess I have kinda been resentful of my Mum at times.

The Only Child: Okay, Gretel that's gotta be a difficult emotion to deal with growing up. Did you ask your Mum why she didn't have another child?

Gretel: Yeah. I asked her heaps of times. Each time she said that she was just enjoying life with me and my Dad. So, yeah. I definitely want at least two kids when I have children one day.

Hansel: I have never wanted to ask my Mum why she didn't want any more children. She's worked hard in her career [his Mother is a respected Lawyer], and I guess being the only son I have been protective of her. Probably more than my mates are with their Mums.

The Only Child: Okay, you guys have two really differing views on being an Only Child. I wonder, did you guys feel like you had more quality time with your parents compared to your friends?

Hansel: Hell yeah! I remember Mum finishing work and coming straight home to get me from school, take me to soccer practice, then go out to our favorite restaurant heaps growing up. I was really in to sport, and Mum would take me to national games, and nearly every week she would stay for my entire soccer practice and watch. When I was 8, that was so important to me.

Gretel: I guess so. Mum would take me to the salon with her, and we would go clothes shopping together a lot. She was always there to make me afternoon tea after school, and we always had a home cooked dinner. But, I felt like I was her project. All of the attention on me felt like huge pressure sometimes. And it's even worse now that I'm 17.

Oh, so hard being an Only Child...

The Only Child: Really? Why is it worse now that you are 17?

Gretel: Well, because there is no one else to back me in the house. It's me against Mum and Dad. My friends have their older or younger brothers to help comfort them when they are at home, but I have no one. The worst is when Mum and Dad confiscated my cellphone and I wasn't allowed to use the internet.

Hansel: I understand what Gretel's saying. As an Only Child you do feel like you have no ally against your parents.



The Only Child: I understand. What were some good things about being the Only Child?

Gretel: There were lots of good things.

Hansel: Yeah. You name it - I got it. If something was super expensive, then Mum might make me wait for a couple of months, but on the whole I guess I had a childhood where everything I wanted I got.

Gretel: *laughing* Actually, yeah, this reminds me of one Christmas where I got like the entire cateloge of Sylvanian Families toys. My girlfriends were so jealous, they couldn't believe I could get everything. But it wasn't that fun playing with them, unless a friend was over playing with me.

Hansel: It was good to have Mum's whole focus on me. I would actually worry sometimes if she had a boyfriend that she would have another child. I didn't want that! No way!

Gretel: I loved that I had a really close relationship with my Mum and Dad. Sometimes it was pressure related. But I feel on a different level with my parents, than my friends do with theirs. I think it's a better level, as long as you have a breather from time to time.


The Only Child: Okay, so last question before you go, did you want a brother or sister?

Gretel: Yes, I did.

Hansel: No way! I was the 'man'.


The Only Child: Thanks guys! And be grateful that you didn't end up as my Only Child!


Gretel and Hansel: *forced laugh*

One Moment Please! 3 more seconds and I'll put you in handcuffs!

Well, that's what happened to this girl...

Salecia Johnson, 6, tantrum thrower. (Picture AP)

So, you may have heard of Salecia Johnson recently. Yes? No? Well, she is a six year old girl who threw a major tantrum at her school in Georgia (U.S.). So major, that the school's powers that be decided to call the police. Salecia was handcuffed just like any other arrest - and two charges of simple battery and property damage were filed.

Remember Salecia is six, not sixteen...

When I first heard this story I didn't react like some others - which was to say, 'how could they do that to a six year old!?'. More, I was happy to hear that some strong discipline was given out to an unruly child. Now, I'm not saying what happened to Salecia was right or wrong, but I like that there are schools in the world willing to make a strong statement to little sh*t kids. And I say 'little sh*t kids' unashamedly. 

Salecia's Mum and Dad - not impressed.

The Only Child has had her fair share of tantrums and unruly episodes - but those are generally limited to super tired moments or very short bursts of fantasy - where I have somehow perpetuated the fantasy that she has any say over Mummy and Daddy's life. However, she has never had the audacity to display any disrespect to other authority figures in her life - her Teacher, Piano Teacher, Principal - and as far as I'm told, to any of her friend's parents.

So, what did Salecia do at school that warranted the principal calling the police? She apparently assaulted the principal by throwing a shelf and striking the principal in the leg, jumped on a paper shredder, and tried to break a frame made of glass. It is said Salecia also tore things off the wall, and decided to throw some books and toys as well - for good measure. When the police arrived, they noted that Salecia was lying on the ground screaming and crying. 

Salecia's family have said that the handcuffs were so tight on Salecia's wrists, and that little Salecia was very shaken up by the experience. As the Mother of a six year old myself, I can imagine the scariest thing being the placing of handcuffs on a little girl's hands - the physical restriction of your body by strangers would be quite terrifying I'd imagine; For any age group.

I sympathize with Salecia's parents, while at the same time I am someone who doesn't see anything wrong with shock tactics to enforce good behavior in children - and used effectively, I do believe it works. For example, the Only Child had a kleptomaniac little friend once who liked to enter other children's lunch boxes. After some discussion back and forth about this (the Only Child said that the cookie was a very yummy one and her friend couldn't help it), I let the Only Child know that I would happily ring the police and have them meet with her if I ever heard that she partook in any of this kleptomania. I also let her know what happens to little people who grow in to big people who steal - namely jail, no money, loss of friends etc. Consequently, she began giving her friend sermons about what happens to big people who open other people's lunch boxes...

This school had enough!

If Salecia's tantrum throwing has been an ongoing thing, then I would totally support the ringing of the police to give the little trouble-maker a shock. If it was a one-off, then obviously ringing the boys in blue doesn't seem that fair. However, I also don't believe it's fair for parents to raise their children with no respect and no manners. The number of times the Only Child has had play dates with little angels who have had rude mouths astounds me - and 100% of these rude children have parents who I know do not have a strong or at least a firm stance on discipline. And, they are happy with that - they are not interested in working full-time and spending the small amount of quality time they have with their child schooling them in the art of societal etiquette. 

Fair enough.

Just be aware that a parent's lack of discipline at home, could mean increased discipline away from home, from others.

A video from CNN about the arrest

I Want That One! Would you like placenta with that?

Your Only Child - surely you kept their placenta...

Keep an open mind for a moment...

Yes, this is a placenta. Some people like to utilize it after it's original purpose.

Well, I did keep my Only Child's placenta in the freezer for about a year, always thinking we would do something with it... and we didn't. If we had known about Baby Tree Placenta Services - we would have.

Kirsty Ren of Baby Tree Placenta Services tells us that the placenta is an amazing organ, "even if you don't want to keep it you should still be able to appreciate that." Agree.

However, there is that 'ick' factor associated with the placenta - the blood, the words 'after birth', and the blood again. Ren's service aims to take the 'ick' out of your child's placenta, and repackage it in to something you are comfortable handling - like capsules, art work, or for those who really want too - a smoothie.

In fact, Placentophagy (the act of eating placenta), "is of the most benefit in the first month after the birth of your baby ... you should still notice an improvement in energy, milk supply and mood from a placenta that has been kept in the freezer for two years." And many New Zealanders have done what I did, and kept their child's placenta in the freezer - slightly unsure what to do with it. "There are thousands of placentas in freezers all around the country waiting for 'one day' when the perfect place and the perfect tree are found."

Dried, powdered and encapsulated.

The benefit of using Ren's service seems to be nutritional, spiritual, and for post-partum health. "Placentophagy can balance your mood and prevent postnatal depression, support milk supply, increase iron levels, boost energy, and reduce post-partum bleeding." And for those who are in desperate times after the birth of their child, there is comfort in knowing Ren is able to produce the placenta capsules from start to finish for you in 24 hours. "I will happily make tinctures or creams on request."

Ren tells us that every placenta is different, "some are round, some are heart shaped, I even had one that looked like a Christmas tree...". The different shapes of placenta help Ren to create beautiful placenta artwork, that is truly an object blood-linked to your child and you.

Baby Tree Placenta Services regular package, "includes dried cord keepsake and art prints made from your placenta." I imagine these keepsakes hold priceless value for the families that have taken up Ren's services. And who knows? One day science may allow us to tap in to many more currently unknown benefits of keeping your child's placenta. 

Baby Tree Placenta Services

One Moment Please! Love them and leave them...

But don't take them away...

HRH Ariel has been attacked with an old mascara wand on the forehead - court date pending.

When I was growing up I had one barbie and a few barbie clothes - my Parents had no money to waste on such things. I was barbie mad though. I loved anything pink, peach, pastel, yellow, hearts, stars, sparkle, glitter - I was just a very 'girly' girl. I would go over to my friend's houses, and they would have 'Barbie Utopia' - lots of barbies, accessories, everything. And to this day, there are certain 1980's barbies that I look out for on trade sites... 

The very few barbie things that I had, I treasured. 

Fast-forward to present. The Only Child and I have 'Barbie Utopia' - not to be confused with Barbie Fairytopia (which is one part of Barbie Utopia). I treasure this Utopia that we have created - I even had a lovely retired gentleman make my daughter a pink barbie play table, upon which the barbies are slightly elevated (30cm) - making barbie time ergonomically friendly. My very girly Only Child likes it - but I wouldn't say she treasures it, like she treasures chocolate treats hidden away in the pantry (that she finds). Though, she is barbie mad also - what a coincidence...

Singing, guitar playing Ballerina Barbie has been
diagnosed with blue felt tip face.

A few Only Children that I know have a very 'Love them and leave them' relationship with their toys. They want something, they get it, they sleep with it on their bed for a couple of nights, then it is prematurely retired to the play room/toy room/toy chest - whereupon it is not touched till the Only Child notices someone else touching it (say, during a play date with a friend). 'If I'm not playing with it  - no one can!'. 

I watch this toy relationship with curiosity. My Only Child knows there are no other children in the house to play with her toys, so she feels happy to drop or place them wherever she feels appropriate. If my Only Child feels like coloring in a doll's face, or mutating a toy - she knows there is no other child to say otherwise. Mum and Dad might say something, but they don't have the same vested interest as she does. 

And even if a toy acquisition was a long wait - inevitably it will become yesterday's 'it' girl. I know this occurs with most children at some point - with or without siblings. But, could it be that an Only Child has a much more complex relationship with objects? For example, with siblings - you can play with them, or play with a toy. But for an Only Child, there are no siblings to play with - there are only toys (objects). 

Barbie Charm School barbie - very much wanted,
but is often overlooked for good old 80's barbies...

After a period of time watching my Only Child forget about a group of toys - I decided to round them up and give them to a charity shop. I put them all in a plastic bag. At first, I didn't let my Only Child know about this, as I thought she forgot about them. One morning as I went to put the toys in the car - my Only Child saw me, and gave me a wonderfully performed monologue of how it would 'break her heart forever' if I gave them away. It was the first time I had heard her use the word, "heartbroken".

Perplexed, I thought to myself, 'did she just use the word "heartbroken" over a bunch of toys?'. A bunch of toys that she stopped playing with? I said this to her, and was told, "Yes, but they are mine and I love them".  "I understand", I replied.

My behavior growing up towards objects that I loved or treasured meant careful guardianship, checking on them, and cleaning them when necessary. For the Only Child, objects that she loves are to be left somewhere and played with occasionally - as long as they are there. The Only Child's abundance of objects are taken for granted, but loved regardless. Perhaps, not dissimilar to siblings.

One Moment Please! Are you a COMMI Mum?

COMMITTEE MUMS - You know them, the ones who hang out at school everyday, all day...

Attention to detail - not something COMMI Mums are good at! (Nicole Jecentho photography)

COMI Mums - you know the ones, the Mums who hang out in a small group at your child's school - in the same place, around about the same time everyday. The Mums who are on the school committees, sometimes the PTA, and sometimes various 'support' groups throughout the school year. I like to call them 'COMMI' Mums - and I like to capitalize their name because.... well, because they annoy me.

Let me put it like this - unfortunately for some schools, their social events are dictated and designed by women (who from what I have gathered) have no academic skills, no jobs, and no creativity. But, it seems they have a lot of time.

Now, I'm the first person to support individuals efforts towards their local schools - that's all wonderful and fuzzy etc. But, there is something called 'capture' - a term used in political and public service circles from time to time to describe a situation where a small group of (usually highly bureaucratic) people capture a process - such that the decision at the end point is whatever they wanted all along. And I believe that is what happens 99% of the time with school events and their 'parents groups'.

Beauty doesn't take much 

I'm self-employed, so I have flexibility with my time. In the past I had ventured up to the school to take part in some weekly 'parents support' meetings. I lasted about two weeks with it because of the level of 'clickiness' within the meeting. The group was closed to new ideas, new skills even, and new people in general. For example, the Principal wanted this particular parents support group to start taking minutes of the meeting - no one in the group knew how to do minutes - so I volunteered. They were probably the best minutes the Principal had ever seen come out of a parents support meeting. And no doubt, that scared the 'layman' out of the ladies....

To cut a long story short - parents supports groups are not places for productive parents. They are places for women who don't feel they have any power or importance - to feel important. Now, granted - there will be exceptions, and there are! But, those exceptions are few and far between.... which is sad, because the level of creativity and entrepreneurial skills needed by schools (especially state schools) will increase as the level of state funding for schooling is trending toward Antarctica.

I worked out pretty quickly that if I want my daughter and her school friends to experience fantastic awe-inspiring events - I need to put them on myself! And that my friends is exactly what I do. And then, I invite the kids with the COMMI Mums to come along - their faces reek of envy, surprise, and wonder. And I send them home with the best goody bag they've experienced in the last two years - and I wave them off with a "look forward to your next parents support group event!". 

One Moment Please! Is your Only Child happy?

Happiness is... decorating cupcakes!

I read an article recently in our local paper titled "Happy children get all the breaks - including a bigger salary". I thought about two people I knew who suffered the high tax bracket migraine in New Zealand, and pondered on what I knew of their childhood....

One of them is the youngest of five children (Mr A, 44) - with an abusive, awkward and privileged childhood. The other is an Only Child (Mr B, 45) whose first thoughts when asked about his childhood are, "...embarrassingly abundant, and a bit redundant to be honest". Hmm.

I asked these two high earners, "Were you guys happy as kids?".

Mr A said, "Yeah, I was happy, we had everything - possessions and people, and I enjoyed it. I also knew things were not always 'right' with my family...but I was happy most of the time."

Happiness is... meeting Winnie the Pooh!

Mr B (an Only Child) said, "I guess I lived in a state of weird happiness a lot." [I inquired what he meant by "weird happiness"] "Ahh you know, it seemed like my Mother's sole purpose in life was to make me happy; And I was."

According to Doctor De Neve and Professor Oswald of University College London and Warwick University respectively, even with other life factors taken in to account - one's happiness levels as a child "clearly determined" if they would command the big bucks as adults. Furthermore, the study wasn't just analysed over 900 or 9000 people; A total of 90,000 people were analysed. 

The Doctor and Professor determined that even within sibling groups - the siblings who were happier as children, out-earned their siblings who were less happy as children.

So, how is this research relevant to Only Children? I think that as parents of Only Children we can be comfortable and reassured that our ability to amplify some of the things that children get huge happiness from is a good thing. Perhaps you can afford to take your child on spectacular trips once a year? Perhaps you can indulge your Only Child's toy collector spirit? Perhaps you can spend hours helping your Only Child create their model airplane? Whatever it is, if it makes them happy - it's a good thing!

The research also indicates that with or without siblings, children can experience vastly different happiness levels - so at those times your Only Child does the 'I wonder what it would be like with a little sister/brother' thing, just give them a warm nod and smile. Or, invite that well behaved girl or boy from school over once in awhile...

Happiness is... meeting Princess Belle and Princess Snow White!

And ask yourself, what makes ________ (insert child's name) happy?

I have asked myself the same question about my Only Child. And, the top three things that make her happy don't involve money at all - but they involve a lot of my time; Which incidentally, because I only have one child - I have a lot to give.

I want that One! What to read when you're knocked up...

A pregnancy book captured by My Little Ponies

I was quite excited when I heard New Zealand personality Jaquie Brown had written a book called I'm not fat, I'm pregnant. The book was, "The Ultimate guide to getting pregnant, being pregnant and surviving life with a crazy but wonderful newborn". That's what it says on the cover. 

Being a Mum who absolutely loved every minute of my indulgent, lazy, fat, spoilt pregnancy... I thought it would be nice to trek down memory lane and see if the advice and anecdotes in the book would have been helpful to the 'me' six years ago - pre Only Child.

The first thing that stood out to me was the humorous and witty tone of the book - I appreciated that, and I could relate to the awkward moments one experiences, but can't necessarily articulate. I remembered many moments with my midwife where I would retell a funny pregnancy fact or moment I experienced, and her reaction being somewhat indifferent (and not laughing!). Brown's book doesn't view these wonderful first time experiences as something women have been doing for 100s of years - she affords first-time pregnancy and conception all the detail and wonder that they deserve. 

Week by week - in glorious detail!

I loved that the book was set out week by week of each trimester - and in Brown's book, there are four trimesters. Of all the pregnancy material I was given or bought during my pregnancy, I always read the material that went week by week. When you are a first time Mum-to-be, everything is week by week. People talk about what to expect in a cumulative sense, and what you will feel, but everything is incremental and individual. And Brown's inclusion of her own pregnancy diary illustrates that. 

Broadly speaking, the book is a very reassuring, and friendly pregnancy bible for all new Mums-to-be. Comfort reading if you like. Not comfort as in 'everything is going to be okay for everyone', but comfort as in, it doesn't show you horrible photos of abnormalities and vast diagrams of mutation probabilities... we don't need those do we? We all know how to use google when we are pregnant and confused...

The nutritional advice is excellent, and the use of other experts' advice thrown in at the right time is a great touch. 

So, would the book have been helpful to me six years ago? Certainly. It is helpful to my sister currently. This is a good sign, as my sister is not exactly 'receptive' to advice...

Now, I would only ask that Miss Brown write a book entitled, I'm not fat, I had a baby (six years ago). I know someone who might need this currently....

Random House Publisher

One Moment Please! One is the loneliest number...

A lonely Only Child under a chair... dressed as Snow White.

So, I was reading an article recently in one of those current-affair type magazines, and I was interested to read the number of people living alone and independently is increasing in the western world. Many reasons were thrown up, including higher incomes, higher rates of divorce and separation, and a selfish but social attitude. 

The investigative magazine put forward many individuals who were happy and content with living alone. They had the odd lonely moment, but on the whole, the benefits afforded to them by living alone, highly outweighed the benefits of living with someone. "What a bunch of selfish weirdos!", said my middle-aged colleague at the gym. Middle-aged colleague continued, "I mean, who grows up thinking, 'one day, I want to live by myself' - without a partner, without children."

Good point I guess. 

"I love my little sister". Sister is spelled creatively you see...

But I thought about my Only Child - all on her lonesome. Was she lonely all the time? No. Is she always alone? No. Does she get lonely? Sometimes, sure. But is she happy? Yes! On the odd occasion she will make reference to a make-believe little sister who doesn't exist - but when we explain the practicalities of a little sister to her (like, things wont be her way all the time), she is not that fussed about not having one.

And there are many people who have grown up in big families, who have expressed chronic loneliness. In many families there will be individuals who feel they are very different to their relatives, and yearn for relatives more 'like-minded'. 

That's because there is a difference between being lonely, and being alone. Being lonely is a horrible thing - that yearning for human company or at least a voice of comfort. For the Only Child, those lonely moments amount to the wish that there was a sibling to 'entertain' them - rather than Mum and Dad (or the TV!). This lonely moment can be (relatively) easily alleviated by introducing regular play dates with friends.

And I like to mix it up a bit. I try to invite different personality types over for play dates - a loud one, a tom boy one, and sometimes an agreeable one - this type in particular is Mummy's and Daddy's favorite. And an agreeable playmate is always easier to take to the theater, the movies, and to dine with at nice restaurants. Though, it's not a very accurate simulation of a sibling relationship is it?

But that's the thing, when faced with a lonely Only Child, remember: unlike those non-only children who had no choice who their siblings were, we can at least choose specific play mates for our Only Child! And when we are sick of them... we say, "see you next time".

So, I guess 'one' has the capacity to be a lonely number - but with some creative parenting maths, it can be the number that 'giveth' and 'taketh' away.

We All Know What It's Like To Give Birth To Terrorists...

A handy weapon in your parenting arsenal

This website extols the phrase, "Tongue-in-cheek or foot-in-mouth! No experts, just Mums and Dads, and Only Children. "

So, when I came across a copy of Parenting Expert Nigel Latta's book Battlefield Wisdom, I turned the first page with a spoonful of cynicism and an internal voice saying  'I hate people telling me what to do - especially when it comes to parenting'.

Well, firstly, the book is small, just under 15cm in height and about 10.5cm in width - so this is a good start. And secondly, the book is composed of 40 very concise chapters. So this is not one of those brick-like parenting advice books - Thank God!

What it is though, is a companion for that little voice in every parent's head that says things and asks questions that never see the light of day. Battlefield Wisdom is like a weapon of stealth in the busy or stressed parent's arsenal of parenting weapons. For that reason, it is best left near the kettle, the telephone, or underneath your pillow. 

Here are a few of my favorite moments in the book:

Chapter 13 Dads - "Dads are great, but they can also be completely bloody hopeless... Dads forget to take hats, gloves, and coats... Dads sometimes take a while to notice that you're sick."

Chapter 3 Beware experts - "... I really do think that all these experts telling people how to raise children is a problem, maybe even the single biggest problem that parents face."

Chapter 12 Mums - "Mums are great, but they can also be a pain in the arse." (Especially love this moment)

Chapter 21 Fine young cannibals - "Hungry children eat - that's pretty much all you need to know."

Chapter 26 'I hate you' - "The 'I hate you' technique is the childhood equivalent of the 'flash-bang' explosive device that SWAT and anti-terrorist teams use..."

Battlefield Wisdom was attacked by my Only Child. She fought
this wisdom the only way she knew how... with a rainbow
colored pencil.

Latta's idea of parenting being like a 'battlefield' is extended throughout the book with references to children being akin to little terrorists. Yes, how very politically incorrect of him! But, it is probably wise to learn how to deal with  a little bit of domestic insurgency; Since, as Latta says, it is better to deal with a two year old dictator - than a 22 year old one. Indeed.

And the nice thing about the book for me, is it is good to know that the politically incorrect Latta has made the same threat I have made. You will have to read about that on page 17. Except, my Only Child did think she was going to sleep on the trampoline for the night... 

It is a great short read, and a weapon you will want to consult every now and then - but not too much! He is an Expert after all...

Nigel Latta's website
Harper Collins

One Moment Please! I don't do Teams (Or Vegetables)

Working together - it's not always easy

I have never had an affinity with that saying, "It takes a village to raise a child". It's just not me. The idea of people in the neighborhood constantly helping, offering advice, and dropping in with a batch of blueberry muffins unannounced would start a crazy internal dialogue in my head space. And that's something I can do without.

Some people may love the company of others in social situations, but when it comes to their business - they like to work by themselves. 

Many of the Only Children that I know seem to do okay in team situations, but they don't seem to shine. When my Only Child is put in to a competitive team environment, she just seems to love the company of other children. She is not so concerned with winning in a team sport or team craft, she's more interested in laughing, joking, and playing. And that's understandable - given the lack of siblings.

How to navigate all these children!?

In comparison, some of the other team members are not only children, and they are more than accustomed to the negotiating, in-fighting, hair pulling, and child politics of group situations. To these children, the presence of lots of children in a team is 'business as usual', and they get on with trying to stand out among the crowd. A rare chance if you like, for the 'sibling-ed' child to gain some much needed 'look at me' attention during normal daily life. And that is understandable also.

However, from my observations, only children do seem to shine in solo pursuits - cycling, tennis, artistry, politics, and business. The art of learning and perfecting a skill by yourself, and learning to enjoy it without the company of others - is something an Only Child is very accustomed too. For example, my Only Child may learn a new art technique at school, but it is in her 'solitary confinement' in her room where she perfects it; And inevitably comes running out with a unique masterpiece for Mum and Dad to levitate in awe of. 

Some only children just seem to be more in tune with their intuition by themselves. 

Indeed, we all know a sibling or relative in our family who cannot do anything without an audience, or support person holding a paper cup of cheap orange juice on the side of the road as they drive by. The Only Child has the ability to learn the magnificent art of sustaining oneself in a goal - without the constant drive by their peer group. 

Of course, support from our peers is wonderful to feel - but if we need to feel that support in order to drive or even initiate any of our ambitions... I think we are in trouble.

I realized, that in a competitive team situation, before my Only Child can begin to focus on the skills she needs to deliver in order to be a valuable part of a team - she must navigate the politics of childhood teams. She must learn from scratch the in-fighting, jealousies, whining, and politics of multiple children in a group, that I learnt myself from having siblings. Because of this, my Only Child's true competitive nature is diminished in a team, and she concentrates on making friends and having fun.  

So, I discovered my Only Child doesn't do teams - at least not competitively. 

She also doesn't do vegetables - I'm told she's 'allergic' to them.