One Moment Please! How Often Do You Play With Your Only Child?

An Only Child with a Disneyland Fairy Godmother...

"Oh how utterly ridiculous!" - this was the response I got when I put to my interviewee that as Mothers and Fathers of Only Children we have a responsibility to play with our children more than other parents do with their many children. "That kind of nanny state logic is what ruins families and countries", she said.

My interviewee for this blog piece is a 51 year old respected lawyer, active gym goer, School PTA member, and she happens to be the Mother of an Only Child. She also doesn't mince words. A good friend of mine suggested I speak to her about having an Only Child - so I did.

I told her about a conversation I had a couple of weeks ago, with a few friends over lunch, about how much actual 'play time' they did with their children - there was no average time decided upon, but a strange belief seemed to emanate from the meeting; The belief that if your child has siblings, that you as a parent do not have to play as much, and further, if you don't play at all with your child (who has siblings) - it doesn't matter.

"Oh please! That is so pathetic, so the time a parent plays with their child is proportional to how many siblings a child has? In my opinion, all parents should spend time with their children - whether it's playing, doing homework, or reading a book before bed. I think I played cars and trains with my son when he was little a couple of times at the most, but I spent lots of time just being with him."

Play with me Mummy!

It's an interesting topic to broach with people. Ask a few mothers how much time they spend 'playing' with their children, and you get responses and defenses and justifications and qualifications... I have often heard the opinion that Mothers of Only Children who spend a lot of time playing with their Only Child inhibit the child's ability to play with their peers. And I must admit, I have seen this perspective in practice, personally.

As a parent playing with a child, you tend to let them win from time to time, let them get away with taking the biggest and best play pieces, or you pander to their ego. I remember the first couple of play dates my Only Child had with friends were happy disasters! Happy: because she had a playmate. Disaster: because she didn't know how to interact with a peer harmoniously... her play mate didn't like not EVER having a turn at whatever they were doing...

"I was one of five children growing up, and I cannot remember my Mother and Father playing with my siblings and I at all. I don't believe this was because they thought they 'don't have to', this was because my Mother was busy cooking all the time, or cleaning, or doing the things that stay-at-home mums do. Dealing with the practicality of life. Truth be told - everyone of my siblings and I all wish our parents had spent more time with us. And, I know my Mother feels guilty about it to this day. People need to be careful about drawing conclusions based on family size - quite often the opposite can be true."

However, as a parent (stay-at-home or working) you cannot be playing all the time, and you cannot always be fully engaged in the moment with your child. So, as the Mother of an Only Child I do think sometimes that in these very tired exhausted Mum 'moments' how lovely and relaxing it would be if there was a sibling to play in the pretend cafe or supermarket instead of me. I could play less. 

PLAY WITH ME MUMMY!

"Of course as parents of Only Children we think that, but there is no real benefit in thinking that we have to play more with our Only Child because we chose for whatever reason to have one. Just like there is no logical reason to think because you have four children that you don't need to play with them. From all my years in family law, I truly believe more needs to be said about parents being emotionally available to their children - I couldn't care less how often a parent plays with their child, I care more about how emotionally switched on they are to their child."

And I guess if we are switched on emotionally to our child, we will know just how much Mummy-Child playtime is needed, and just how much sibling-child or playmate-child time is needed. And I think instinctively as switched on Mothers, we know these ratios. The key is to remaining 'switched on' and minimizing those factors in life that cause us to be 'switched off'. Actually, what are those factors???

"In my opinion, the factors that cause parents to be switched off will be different for everyone - for some it might be money problems, work issues, mental health issues, and for a large majority it seems, marriage problems. Whatever it is, you will know it."

I know for me personally, it is work-life balance, and getting it right. What is it for you?